When we are working with a caregiver and we hear them struggling to prioritize their needs or find time and energy to keep well, it’s never easy for us to respond with, “Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping the person you are caring for.”
We’ve all been (or currently are) family caregivers and we can relate to caregivers in our programs or using our caregiver support services. It’s one thing for caregivers to understand that if they run out of oxygen, they can’t help anyone else; it’s another for caregivers to feel even small acts are possible when they feel stretched to their limit.
One form of self-care is self-compassion. Being kind to yourself the way you’d be kind to a friend is the core concept. Self-compassion is “on the job and in the moment” self-care. It doesn’t require a break from caregiving like some other types of self-care (i.e. exercise, time alone, etc.) Self-compassion is the ability to notice when you’re struggling – to see and hear it – and to show kindness towards yourself in difficult moments. It’s giving ourselves, as caregivers, permission to meet our own needs rather than self-judging our perceived inability to cope.
Research shows that family caregivers who list self-care as a priority can better provide care, are at lower risk of burnout and becoming ill, and find more joy in their role as a caregiver. And it also turns out that when we are kind to ourselves or showing self-compassion, it leads to increased feelings of happiness, optimism, gratitude, and life satisfaction. It’s even linked to better coping and resiliency in the face of difficult life situations, such as caring for someone else.
Starting with small acts of self-care can create the opportunity to see the benefits. Calling a friend who lifts you up, saying no, accepting help, finding five minutes for a cup of tea in silence, or closing your eyes and breathing for 10 breaths are all acts of self-care.
Allowing yourself small moments of self-care along the way is a much better plan than a crash course in self-care that lasts for a day or longer. Prioritizing your self-care won’t solve all your challenges or make all your current and future stress disappear. You’ll still feel tired or find days where you simply don’t have time for self-care. Like caregiving, there will be peaks and valleys. It’s a shift in mindset. It is about embracing the idea that “I am a priority” and my self-care is just as important as the person I’m caring for.
Showing ourselves self-compassion and practising self-care aren’t overnight fixes. There is no magic formula; it takes practice and patience.
Think about Robert Louis Stevenson’s quote: “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.” Start small and set one goal for your self-care. You can write it down and stick it to your fridge, in your car, or in your phone. Tell a friend about your goal and ask them to be your accountability partner. Make sure you celebrate and reward yourself when you achieve your goal.
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Wendy Johnstone is a Gerontologist and a consultant with Family Caregivers of British Columbia in Victoria, BC.