Last week, I captured this photo of a client during a visit with her in long-term care. She absolutely loves her interactive robotic pup. It’s a wonderful and meaningful way to share a connection with a mutual love – dogs!
I hesitate to describe our client as someone living with dementia. It’s true, she is. But such a label can create a social, emotional, and physical distance between us and the person for whom we are caring. This gap might limit our interactions because of our own biases or fears around aging and disease and can result in lost opportunities to engage, connect and have meaningful moments.
It’s understandable and normal for families to feel uncertain or uncomfortable in how to be with the person in care when the usual connections have changed or been altered in some way.
The key message I want family caregivers to take away: Connection is still possible – it just looks different.
The hope is to connect with the person we are caring for wherever they are at – in that moment, on that day. This list of tips about communication is adapted from the Alzheimer Society of Canada (you can use the search terms “tips for visits” on their site) but is applicable to other cognitive impairments. In fact, most of the tips are simply good advice for communicating with anyone, in general.
- Visiting in its most basic sense means being “present.” Check in with yourself before visiting with your family member or friend. How are you feeling? Our anxiety, frustration, and tension are easily communicated through our body language.
- Maintaining our identity – our sense of competence – is central to all humans. This attribute continues as we age and even when faced with illness and disease.
- Ties of affection are affirmed by spending time with the people we are caring for. A client of 11 years always says to me, “You and I have been us forever.” I know what she is saying, “You and I have known each other for a long time.” She understands I’m her foundation of memories, support, and friendship, even if she can no longer remember.
- Change your expectations as the functioning changes in the person you are visiting.
- Validate feelings and emotional states. Empathy goes such a long way – with it, you can redirect or move ahead in a respectful manner.
- If language skills diminish, place less emphasis on expecting answers to questions. You can avoid or minimize frustration and feelings of inadequacy when removing the expectation to “perform” or answer. Turn questions into statements about the here and now. For example, “It’s good to see you today” or “I like your shirt.” Provide the person you care for with information such as, “Today is Friday, the day you attend Music Therapy.”
- Who doesn’t like a sincere compliment? They’re usually welcome and help create a comfortable mood.
- Providing links and visual cues with past things they have enjoyed can help shape your visits. Take pleasure in activities. For example, try brushing their hair or massaging their hands with lotion. Listening to music, browsing a magazine, sitting at a window or going with them to a program are all activities that provide pleasure and stimulation without the need to make conversation.
Success is sharing an experience with the person you are caring for. Letting them know they are not alone is an accomplishment. Enjoying an activity that gives them meaning and purpose is a win. A good visit is about enjoying the “moments of reality” they experience. Success is seeing them smile and knowing that your visit is leaving them with a good feeling. And hopefully you feel it, too.
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Wendy Johnstone is a Gerontologist and a consultant with Family Caregivers of British Columbia in Victoria, BC.