It came by courier.

Samsung, Touch and stay connected, Galaxy 5 GT-15503T.

Ebony black. In a pale, green box.

I opened it, grinning like a Cheshire cat. (Do cats grin, by the way?)

The user manual has all the instructions. It says remove the back cover. But the back cover was stubborn! It refused to come off. I tugged, and I pulled. I sank my teeth into it like an angry lion.

The manual says :- "Be careful not to damage your fingernails when you remove the back cover".

My fingernails broke after an h0ur's effort. (I had to put band-aid on three of them).

Then "Insert the battery. Replace the back cover".

Ok. Done.

"Before using the device for the first time, you must charge the battery." I did that too. I timed the charge, and sat patiently admiring the shiny instrument for three long hours.

Then, another two hours trying to get to know the device.

The earpiece, the touch screen, the 4 way navigation key, the Back/Google Search key, the power/end key, the mouthpiece, the volume key, multifunction jack, the menu/home key, the dial key,.........how can such a small instrument have so many keys!

My, my! My fingers are too broad for the key pad. I keep on overflowing into the neighbours.

Tap. Tap and hold. Scroll. Drag and drop (I dropped the phone, and ………..chipped it!).

Double tap.

"Use the task manager".

I rang Telecom and asked to speak to the task manager.

"Sorry sir! He is on holiday. May I help you?"

"Doesn't matter now. I'll wait a few days. The manual instructed me to ring the task manager. It says use the task manager."

"Select a wallpaper for the idle screen".

So I went to Bunnings to select the wallpaper. My favourite colour is blue.

"Activate animation for switching windows". I took the phone to another window.

"Download applications from Android Market". I couldn't find the Android market from the yellow pages.

"Copy and paste text". I got the gum ready.

"Learn how to capture and view photos and videos". I captured the table and chairs upside down.

"Activate location services to use with Google maps". I got my battered Google map of Auckland out of the cupboard.

"Bluetooth". Wonder what that is. I must remember to ask my dentist next time.

Having done all that, I still wasn't able to use the phone.

Now what!

It's a fine, expensive instrument.

What do I do!

The young fellow with the funny face and long hair at the Telecom retail shop looked at me like I was the hobbit!

I give up!

Can someone please write an instruction book:- "Mobile phone user instructions for dummies!"

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