Rebellion, Rye and Wrinkles

By William Thomas

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I saw the Doobie Brothers in concert a few years ago, and they looked like the house band at Sunset Haven.

“Two front row tickets? $50. Program? $10. The look on their faces when members of their fan club brought their grandchildren backstage? Priceless.”

That wasn’t so bad until I read that Eddie Van Halen isn’t moving so well on stage these days since he had hip-replacement surgery. From being hip to getting a new one! I thought, “That’s it! The mandatory retirement age of 65 now applies to rock stars. No exceptions.”

The amazing thing is, for the truckloads of drugs these guys dropped in the '60s and '70s, most of them look like they’re as healthy as a horse. A Horse With No Name, of course.

I’m sorry, but when you’re doubling and tripling your daily dosage of blood pressure pills just to get a buzz on, it’s time for the Barcalounger and big screen TV.

What exactly is going on here? It’s like “’til death do we part... with our guitars.” Call me crazy but when you have to hire an additional roadie to handle the colostomy bags, it’s time the tour bus headed home.

Old!? Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Eric Clapton have all released albums in the past few years. Total age: over 300 years. Many countries in this world aren’t that old.

I mean if Aerosmith goes on tour next summer, they’re going to have to change the title of their hit song to Waddle This Way. C’mon, when most of these guys started out in the business, they were using homemade instruments.

Mick Jagger is so old that when he sings Start Me Up, Ron Wood has to poke him in the bum with a cattle prod.

The Stones, who once used Hells Angels for security, now employ The Boy Scouts to help Keith Richards across the stage.

Recently, I saw Keith Richards five stories high on an Imax screen in the Steel Wheels documentary. Scary? At the concession stand, they were including a free pair of Depends with every large tub of popcorn.

Bob Dylan at 67 sounds exactly as he did when he was 20. Unfortunately, nobody could understand what he was singing back then either.

Ex-Stone Bill Wyman at 72 is so old, he’s now dating girls who are over the legal age of consent; and from behind, Elton John is looking a lot like his piano.

Peter Townsend’s so old he has to have two people from the audience come up and help him smash his guitar to pieces on stage.

No, this can’t go on and on and on like the heart of Celine Dion, who, by the way, has done at least five major recording projects since retiring.

No, when you’re a rock star who reaches the point where you send one of your groupies off to the seedy side of town to secretly score some really dynamite laxatives – it’s time for the guitar to start living in the hall closet.

Sorry, but rebellion, rye and wrinkles simply do not mix.



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