Two things are for sure. First, sometime early in the next millennium the headline on the front page of every newspaper around the world will read: MAN GIVES BIRTH! Second, that man will not be me.
Man's quest to create life from within, to burst the boundaries of nature and be with child, to push the gender bar to heights unheard of, to weep with joy at the sight of his own progeny squealing at first breath and still attached to his umbilical cord - folks, that's not me.
Don't get me wrong, I like kids.
Other people's kids safely returned to their respective homes according to the time and day stipulated on the rental agreement - I love those kids.
But I am opposed to children who could cause my water to break.
During those times when I may have considered then quickly decided not to have children of my own, I can honestly say it never once occurred to me to - how can I put this delicately, okay - get knocked up.
Let me put it another way. When I'm in the shower singing Having Your Baby, I do think of Paul Anka, but not in that way, okay!?
By now, you know medical scientists agree it is possible for a man to have a baby. Recently, in vitro pioneer, Lord Robert Winston of Britain published a book detailing the procedure of planting an embryo in the abdomen of a man who can then carry the fetus to term.
Yes, thanks to the best minds in modern medicine today, although they're still unable to grow hair on Don Rickles' head, they can make it possible for him to be "in a family way." Where new techniques in conception are concerned, it seems like in such a short time that we've gone from in vitro to in Victor.
No, I'm sorry and I'm going to be very adamant here: at no time do I see myself sitting on the couch next to my brother-in-law, drinking beer, eating popcorn and watching a Stanley Cup final, then suddenly reaching over to put his hand on my stomach and say: "Did ya feel that, Dan, she just kicked!"
Surrogate mothers, okay. I'm even in favour of den mothers. But men mothers? Not a chance.
No, trust me, when guys kneel over the porcelain first thing in the morning, it must be accompanied by a hangover. That's the rule.
A cynical female friend told me there are only two good things that could come from a man giving birth to a baby. First, they would both benefit from the potty training and second, if a man actually carried a baby for nine months and went through the pain of delivery, afterward he might feel a need to take care of it.
Here then are just a few reasons why a guy should not become pregnant and have a baby:
A man could ask every guy on his hockey team and still not come up with a sperm donor.
Extremely large pregnant guys would need "Baby on Board" signs strapped across their rear ends.
The combination of butt cleavage and breast cleavage could create mass confusion on construction sites.
A guy would only crave pickles and ice cream if it came on top of his burger.
A guy would insist on carrying a shovel with him when told he was going into labour.
A guy would rather wear a tank top and the belly out over the belt than put on a smock.
A guy not grasping the embryo/abdomen concept could embarrass himself by trying to buy a uterus at Canadian Tire.
Told about the hCG test in which the "rabbit might die," a guy would insist on shooting it.
A guy could stand the frequent urination and tender swollen breasts, but he could never give up beer and cigars for nine months.
A guy would likely incorporate the stretch marks of childbirth into a Formula I racing tattoo.
Entering each trimester, a guy would expect some sort of elimination tournament to begin.
A guy would only breast feed during the commercials.
All pregnant guys wearing Gretzky hockey jerseys would have to change the number to 99 +1.
If a guy successfully gives birth, what's next? Housework?
If guys could get pregnant, they'd do it in groups of four so they could golf during maternity leave.
And can you imagine the road rage between two pregnant truck drivers both suffering from hormonal mood swings?
No, this men giving birth nonsense naturally has to stop. And here's how: during the Stanley Cup playoffs, run public awareness ads showing a pregnant man on an operating table, a smiling female doctor hovering over him with a very big needle and a one-word caption: amniocentesis. Stupid idea terminated, let's move on.
MARCH 2010 SENIOR LIVING MAGAZINE VANCOUVER AND LOWER MAINLAND
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