Ask Goldie - April 2010

By Goldie Carlow

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Dear Goldie:

I hesitate to write to you because I feel like I’m going public with my private life.

Two years ago, I met this gentleman when I was taking a music course at university. We became friends and by the end of the course became partners. We still keep our separate homes but have daily contact and take frequent holidays. It seemed like a wonderful romance for two people in their 70s.

My problem is that recently I learned that he has a similar relationship with someone else. I feel devastated. He seemed so sincere and I really care for him.

I don’t know whether I should confront him or just bow out of the situation.


Dear M.J.:

I think it is important for you to look back to the source of this information before you make any changes. How reliable was your informant? Sometimes people just spread rumours that are not true.

It sounds like you really care for this person, so it makes sense to find out the truth. Tell him what you have heard. If he is evasive, you may have cause to worry. Your description of the relationship sounds like there were few binding ties. This can leave the impression for either party that the field is open for other affairs. You need to have a heart to heart discussion. Do not delay.


Dear Goldie:

I became a widower six months ago when my wife died in a car accident after 35 years together. I just can’t seem to get my life back together since it happened.

We had three children and five grandchildren, so I do have a family. Everyone seems so busy with their own lives; I can’t talk about what happened. What can I do?


Dear A.Y.:

Your health is in danger unless you find someone to share your true feelings. Psychologists tell us there is both emotional and physical healing power in expressing your grief.

I would suggest you set a time to bring your family and close friends together for a remembrance evening. Tears are acceptable and it would be a great tribute to your wife and the mother of your children. Such an occasion gives all of you an opportunity to grieve openly. That is what is needed here.

Unfortunately, our generation often praised the “stiff upper lip” attitude to grief, a process that delays healing. Your comment about the difficulty in getting your life back together indicates you may have been trying this method. Hopefully, your family gathering will allow all of you to keep the memory of a wife and mother alive and part of your daily life.






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