Just Rambling - The Singer

By Gipp Forster

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My wife never taunts me about being overweight. She just quietly lets out an inch here and an inch there on my shower curtain.

But if the truth be known, I'm actually losing weight. Not a whole lot, mind you, but some! My wife just said that getting a haircut didn't count as losing weight. What a kidder!

But I really am losing weight. I got a glimpse of the toes of my shoes the other day, and I can actually button my suit coat again.

I know the reason. It's because I sing in the shower. Not only do I sing in the shower, I sing with gusto! I throw my arms out and flay my hands. My shower isn't very big – that's why my knuckles and elbows are bruised all the time. It's the exercise that's doing it, knocking off the weight, I mean.

I sure wish my wife would stick around long enough to hear me sing. I know she'd be impressed. It seems unfortunate that every time I start to sing, she remembers chores she has forgotten to do or people she needs to visit, outside and away from the house. As soon as I open my mouth to serenade the world, zip, she's gone! Pity.

I think singing in the shower can be very therapeutic. It clears out the sinuses, the cobwebs, and the neighbourhood.

It makes me sad to think of those lost opportunities; if only I'd discovered my talent earlier. I know my wife would agree, if she would just stay around long enough to hear me. I might have given Mario Lanza a run for his money. Or David Whitfield or Srul Irving Glick. My "Climb Every Mountain" is very impressive. That's the one even some of our neighbours like. I can hear them shouting when I sing it.

I tried to join a choir once. The choir director recognized my talent immediately. He told me never, in his long career as a choir director, had he heard a voice like mine. He told me a choir could never do it justice. I guess that's why he wouldn't let me join. My voice was too far advanced and would intimidate the other members.

Often I feel guilty letting an incredible talent such as mine slip through the fingers of the world. My friend, Norman, agrees. About being guilty, I mean. He says anyone with a singing voice like mine should feel guilty! Norman's a good friend.

Being overweight adds to the volume, the richness of a gifted voice. It adds to the performance, too. Take Pavarotti, for example. What a presentation he gives!

I once tried holding a large white handkerchief like he does when I sang "Old Man River," but it just got soggy. The shower rather limits any "flair" one might want to use to highlight a performance. One should probably be fully dressed too!

Pavarotti has sung with opera stars, country singers, pop stars, nearly everyone really! I could be next. I guess I'd better brush up on my Italian for when the call comes. I hope it doesn't come when I'm in the shower!

I would love to sing an aria, but an aria needs instrumental accompaniment and my shower's pretty small. But if I could, I know the opera world would flip!

But alas, these are the fortunes of chance. Some are applauded and some are not.

But the day may still come when genius will be recognized and inscribed on the face of posterity.

In the meantime, I honestly think I am losing weight. I realize that most people don't consider singing exercise. But, then again, they haven't seen my knuckles and elbows either. In fact, I'm feeling quite dapper lately. I have an extra lilt in my step and a bit of a twinkle in my catarac.

My wife puts on two benefit concerts a year. I've offered to sing at either or both, but she declined stating my voice needs a much larger venue. I guess she hasn't really looked at my shower.

I hope the world will forgive me for not sharing my voice on a wider scale, but there wasn't always a shower in the places I ended up.

And speaking of showers, I feel a song coming on. Oh darn! My wife just shot out the door again. Another missed opportunity.

Oh well! There's always tomorrow.

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